People pleasing is detrimental to your self-worth. In fact, it is likely working against the very thing you are working towards, as people-pleasers want others to see them favorably when it actually does the opposite. People pleasers have a hard time standing up for themselves advocating for their own needs, and tend to over-commit because they absolutely hate having to tell someone no. Sound familiar? are vulnerable to being exploited.
“I performed for love everywhere. I believed that you needed to earn love by overworking yourself for recognition. I didn’t know that the more I presented myself willingly to beg for love, the more I was inviting chaos into my life.” – Elelwani Anita Ravhuhali
A people pleaser is an individual who is usually highly empathic and intuitive, highly sensitive to the emotions of others. But people pleasing is a sign of something deeper that would benefit from being explored because what’s dangerous is that it contributes to stress and anxiety, feeling emotionally unfulfilled.
If you find yourself having difficulty telling people “no” – or find that your no’s are often followed by a “reason” or excuses to justify your no, you may be engaging in people-pleasing behaviors. If you are overly apologetic, assume blame for things that truly aren’t even your fault, or neglect your own needs to satisfy the needs of others, then it’s time to check in with yourself and take note of these three treasures that can start you on your journey to bring people pleasing behaviors to an end.
“Nobody applauds nature, yet she still glows.” – Michael Bassey Johnson
Validate Yourself and your own opinions.
Self-validation is so essential. When you learn the skill of validating yourself, you will find less and less that you rely on external validation. Self-validation is consistent positive messaging to reframe your self-talk, such as affirmations. It looks like constantly encouraging yourself, and in the moments when circumstances seem too challenging, extending grace to yourself by acknowledging those feelings and allowing them to pass rather than becoming them.
Self-validation looks like telling yourself: It’s okay that I feel this way. I’m proud of myself. I am worthy. Reminding yourself of your successes and strengths can be a positive change from focusing on the challenges that interrupt our thoughts.
Prioritize Yourself
Say no. And if no is hard because it has too few words and sounds curt, then find the long way to say it: “I’m afraid I’m unable to do that,” or “I appreciate the offer, but I can’t,” or even prolong it by saying you need some time to think about it.
Value your own time. If you knew how much time you had left, would you be more intentional with it? When we have deadlines, we allocate our time appropriately to meet them, but we don’t always treat ourselves with that same intentionality. Understand the value of giving others your time, energy, and attention. You are giving them a piece of your life you cannot get back. What they receive from you in that moment is valuable. What you have to offer the world is valuable. Act accordingly.
Honor Yourself
Sometimes, we fear saying no because we are afraid that someone will be displeased or that they will take their “love” away if we deny them something they want. Maybe we are worried that the nature of the relationship will change, and we won’t have that person in our lives anymore.
In reality, you must stop getting in the way of or trying to control outcomes you have no control over. You must decide to honor yourself first, always. This is the practice that builds the muscle of self-love and strengthens self-esteem. The instant you betray yourself to honor the desires of someone else, you diminish your own self-worth. With all that time spent meeting the needs of others, who’s meeting yours?
If a fear arises from a belief that honoring yourself will change how someone shows up for you, how someone cares for you, or their relationship with you, challenge it. Allow the circumstance to reveal itself, as it can only trigger your ascension.
Consider the source of your people-pleasing. Is it perfectionism? Are you seeking validation and approval? Are you in the habit of prioritizing others over yourself? Whatever your reason, there is always something that lies deeper, and resolving those deep-rooted concerns can help you lead a healthier and happier life. Remember, another person’s happiness is not your responsibility. The only happiness you are responsible for is your own.
Guest
September 11, 2015With fashion month upon us, there’s no shortage of street style to envy. Whether you crave the fresh London look or favor an understated Parisian aesthetic, there are style lessons to learn from modern, chic women all over the world. Here, we tap into the casual-luxe style secrets from five of the best dressed women in fashion and shop out their effortless looks.
Claudia
September 11, 2015From micro-ringlets and brushed out barrel waves, to feathered curls and a flat-ironed mullet, when it comes to fall texture, anything goes, but the holy grail is hair that defies gravity. Here, get lifted with 11 of the season’s most voluminous hair looks seen on Tina Turner, Chaka Khan, Diana, Princess of Wales, and more.
Emma
September 11, 2015“The best tip I can give is to not press hard. Have quite a lot of paint on the tip and lightly tap it so it doesn’t smoosh the color and bleed out.” As for the placement, “it’s random, but there is kind of a method to randomness so that it doesn’t look patterned. Each nail the dot is in a different place. Maybe there’s only one fully solid circle. but it looks more intentionally continuous that way. It’s intuitive.”
Amelia
September 11, 2015There may be others champing at the bit, but Ralph Lauren’s spring collection proves that he remains the master of all-American fashion. From the blue-and-white striped top paired with a navy floral skirt and accented with a neck scarf, to the matching twinset—its cardigan tied at the waist of a pair of periwinkle pants—the effort was a welcome departure from the decadence we so often expect from a fashion show. (Well, at least most fashion shows.) Lauren also made a great case for the brown leather belt. It will certainly be at the top of many spring shopping lists
Anna
September 11, 2015Last night at Adam Selman, the clothes took inspiration from a nudist colony in Hawaii, featuring punchy tropical prints, but the nails, designed by manicurist Madeline Poole, are naked in their own way. Bare save for a random blob of deep blue polish (Poole used Complete Salon Manicure in Dark Hue-Mor) on each nail, the look is, “something a girl could do DIY sitting at her desk. Like drawing on your finger with Sharpie,” says Poole who created a makeshift circle stamp by pressing a carpenter’s nail into the end of a pencils eraser, but “you can use anything to make a dot,” Poole says.